Those moments when you just feel down
No real reason for it...
No big explanation...
You just can't seem to find any redeeming qualities when you look in the mirror?
I'm sure none of you have been through that...
But that's where I am right now...
Just ... well... Blah
Maybe it's my house - which truly is the bane of my existence right now:
Don't get me wrong. I am grateful to have a house.
I am grateful that it is not a bamboo hut with dirt floors
located in the middle of Guatemala.
I love having running water and a roof
that fits securely on the walls,
leaving no gap for all of the little animalitos
of the jungle to come in for a visit.
There... is that enough positive to be able to go on to the complaining part??
I am just so sick of living in 5o+ years of filth (yes, the house IS that old - built in 1952).
The FLOORS (which are all hardwood on the top floor, and I'm sure were pretty at some point in time) are now worn to the bare wood in some parts, which makes for interesting cleaning... (read - NOT ever clean!)
The PLUMMING: well - lets just say, I had a plummer come in to do a 'quick' walk around estimate of all that needed to be done... and I could see his eyes light up with dollar signs as I kept saying, "oh, and this... oh, yes, and this also... and this, too" (yes, our upstairs shower has been unusable for over a year now. I tried to use it this week, and the thing would not turn OFF... on the HOT water side - yep, just kept running the hot water until Jerry finally did some sort of voodoo magic to get it to stop).
The CARPET: well suffice it to say that white carpet in the basement + 4 active kids + one very rowdy dog + one only semi working vacuum = not-so-white carpet anymore (seriously, folks... I can't even stand to go barefoot down there - nasty!!)
The KITCHEN: where do I even start with this?... umm from the ceramic tile floors (which I am sure were beautiful for about the first 24 hours after they were installed... with WHITE grout), to the antiqued mustard yellow cabinets, to the disco ball cabinet knobs (yes, you did read that right... DISCO ball knobs - where do you even find something like that??)
Yep... that about does it for the house.... except when you add that for each step forward I take on the 'nesting' of trying to get it super clean and organized... I have a little 2 year old tornado that follows close behind, literally undoing all of the doing in record time.
Maybe it's the pregnancy...
Feeling like a beached whale with every ache and pain
that I swear didn't exist with previous pregnancies...
Or feeling like all night, every night, there is a volcano of acid erupting in my throat,
making for a very pleasant sleep - (maybe it's just a warm up for the
many sleepless nights to come after this little one arrives).
Or feeling just plain tired and irritated at every little thing,
and then feeling guilty for feeling irritated at every little thing,
but by then I have irritated my hubby,
who is then irritated at me for being irritated at everything...
Maybe it's the midwest... and feeling so completely alone at times that it hurts, as I know that my family is all getting together and cousins are playing with cousins, and when we return (in who knows how many eons of time), we'll have to re-introduce our kids to the concept that yes, they do, indeed have an extended family full of cousins, aunts, uncles, grammas, and grampas who all love them immensely and they aren't really strangers who just come up and give them hugs and pinch their cheeks.
... Maybe it's that I have over scheduled myself to the point that I don't know how I am ever going to get things done before the baby comes. I have two presentations to give in October - one of which is a 2 hour presentation at a big convention 10 days before the due date. Seriously??!! Where was my brain on THAT call??! And one scheduled over the holidays, which when I made it, I thought, "Oh, it will be far enough that I should be recovered by then"... REALLY??!! Did I learn NOTHING from my past two recoveries... which put me out for at least 6 weeks??!
...Maybe it's that as the baby has grown, my heart has shrunk two sizes, and I just can't seem to find it in me to look on the bright side of life. I know, I know, 'this too shall pass'. I know all of the things to do to get out of the funk. And I will... I'll bounce back and get back into the swing of things... but not right now. Right now I just want a moment to be able to sit in the corner and wallow. A small moment, but a moment nonetheless...