Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A blue moment...

I Absolutely LOVE Minnesota.... 90% of the time.

Right now, I'm having a 10% moment.  

I'm having a wee bit of a struggle, and I can't quite put my finger on it.  Don't worry, in the next few hours (maybe when I get a little sleep under my belt...), I will get up, brush off my knees, put the smile on my face, and be as happy as can be for the arrival of the big Christmas Day.  For right now, in this little private (okay, so now that I'm posting it on the blog, it's a not-so-private-anymore) moment, I need to be able to just be sad.  If you aren't in a 'I can take a little downer post once in a while' mood, feel free to exit blog now... consider yourself warned...

Maybe it's the fact that I really really, REALLY love extended family visits, and came a hairsbreath away from doing a semi-spontaneous cross country drive to surprise some family members over the New Years Week, and have just come face to face with the reality that it's not going to happen.   I guess I kinda hoped that with all of the little obstacles that came up along the way, we would some how still find a way to head out for some MUCH needed cousin/brother/sister/aunt/uncle/gramma/grampa together time.  I kept telling myself not to hold my breath, that it probably wouldn't happen, but when we made reservations tonight for a hotel stay... in the opposite direction... for a little mini-trip with the kids, the reality kinda slapped me in the face.

Don't get me wrong - nothing means more to me in this whole world than these 5 souls I am blessed to share a roof/bed/blood with.  When we go on a trip, it's just not the same if all members are not present and accounted for (part of why, in my mind, our last visit out west doesn't really 'count' as a full visit, since the kiddos weren't along for the ride...).  It's not that at all.

Maybe part of it is that there are so many unknowns in our life right now, with working on our little invention (if you don't already know about this, consider yourself blessed that you haven't had to endure the endless talks about it from my end!!) which is sucking way more energy/money/time then I originally bargained for.

Maybe part of it is that the gift we (meaning all 50 bagillion people on the Petersen side) spent so much time and effort putting together for Gramma and Grampa did not arrive in Argentina in time, and I can't seem to find a way to email it intact so that they can know that their family is thinking (and missing them terribly) about them on this day (there's something about having the perfect gift, ON the perfect day... as opposed to getting it 4 days later).  I'm so sad that I didn't get it in the mail earlier.

Maybe part of it is that we are buried in 3 feet of snice.  This may be a term unfamiliar to those of you not in the 'arctic zone' of the US - it is actually quite a common occurrence  here in tundraland.  Picture constantly falling snow in temperatures that literally freeze your face into whatever expression you were making the nanosecond before you walked out the door.  I'm not kidding about this, people - you try to fall back to make a snow angel here, and you get a concussion!  (okay, maybe not a full blown concussion... more like a baseball-sized goose egg)

Maybe part of it is that Nebraska and WyOming (Yes, Brian and Michelle, you will hear me wine about WyOming every single time we drive through your new-home-town state... I'm afraid your going to have to get used to it... just like Stewart and Shannon 'ever-so-lovingly' endure my whines about Nebraska, Right??!) are just WAY too long, and stand in the way of being able to make weekend trips out west.

Maybe my heart is just two sizes too small.  

Whatever the reason... I just need a little 'downer' time.  I'll bounce back.  Life will go on.  There will be other visits out west.  There will be other great gifts (that I will send on time!).  There will be great memories made and laughs had.  I know that.  Going through the sad 10% will just make the 90% that much sweeter when I get back there :).

For now... well, I'm going to bed.  Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good/better/best night (wherever your happiness barometer happens to be at the moment :)  ).


Robin Conner said...

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry you've had a rough moment. Getting your hopes up to see family and then it not going as hoped would dampen anyone's spirit, as well as the "perfect gift" not getting there on time. I completely understand. I hope you got a good night's rest and feel better today. Cheer up in tundra land. We love and miss you all. And Wyoming and Nebraska can't be as bad as Texas! We've had to drive through that state in every direction way too many times to count. ;) Love you and have a good Christmas!

i'm h.mac said...

oohhh, sorry. without family too close i think it can get to a person. i always felt so sad knowing what i was missing, it just stung my heart. then i think of all those years we made the trek and oh, a cozy staying in all day christmas sounds really nice! hang in there!

Jobows said...

Jen!!!! We miss you so! I am sorry that you are felling so sad. I have been there too. If it makes you feel any better, Kurtis has to work so I don't even get to see my family on Christmas and I live only 3 hours away!! Please call me so that we can cry together! It has been way to long since we have talked. I hope that you are feeling better today and I know that you will have a blast at the Dells! Give your kids a squeeze for us! Caleb has really missed Seth. 6 more months and we will be back! Time fly's!! Talk to you soon! Merry Christmas!!!