Just another *gray* day in paradise...

please, someone, remind me why we live here??

I have been feeling very 'melan cally' (to quote my latest favorite cartoon, Mastermind) lately.

As in, pretty unmotivated to do much of anything.
Okay, REALLY unmotivated to do much of anything.

... except each chocolate.
Lots and lots of chocolate.

And then write in my book about how not to eat lots and lots of chocolate...

And drive through the sandy/muddy-colored-snow filled streets
and try to envision that there really is some semblance of green buried somewhere underneath the 3 feet of snow on our lawn.

And walk outside only to have my lungs burn and nostrils freeze together and feel my baby's whole body go rigid and her tears freeze.

And try to get creative with the kids and do a Valentines Day craft...
... which bombed...
Really.
They looked NOTHING like the magazine picture!
... including the happy smiling child - I guess that's why they only had one child working in the picture... trying to do it with 5 became a battle of "she took my spot!"  "He just shoved me!"  "Hey, I wanted that piece of yarn!" "eewww, this is too goopy! mom, you do it!"
(at least I tried??!)

And having the spewing forth of germs make their rounds again and again through the family.
(I don't think I can change one more 'spewy' diaper (and clothes, and blankets) without losing it, folks!)

I am really, really, REALLY, missing my family right now.
I miss fun weekend trips
And late night talks
And laughing so hard our cheeks hurt
And introducing new 'legendary' stories that make me laugh just by thinking about them
   (thop waffing at me, I'm sthill weely mad at woo!... Honk, bonk, and toot... oh the list goes on!)
And just plain being surrounded by people that know me in and out
And still love me anyway.
... even when they send us off with the ROOSTER!!
    (we really did almost turn around when we found it!!)

Is it bad that I am just plain sick of trying to make new friends in this revolving door city,
especially when I know so many will be leaving so quickly

And we'll still be here, chipping away at the snow and ice
And spending every cent of extra money on trips back home to see family...
and actually making that happen usually takes planning of epic proportions (and months of advanced vacation day-counting-and-submitting-for-approval groveling)

Nope, I'm not bitter.
not bitter at all.
Just a wee bit chilly
And a wee bit melan cally

but other than that..

It's just another gray day in paradise :)

Juggling...

... has never been something that I have been good at.
I have been amazed when I can see people juggling all sorts of crazy objects, all with a huge smile, and all without breaking a sweat.
Amazing.

Lately, however, I have been feeling like everywhere I turn, I have been picking up more things than I can hold, and have therefore resorted to juggling to try to keep them all afloat.

Like my house:
I would post pictures... but it's just plain embarrassing.
I don't think there's a single area that is actually clean and organized.
I keep thinking that deep down inside me there is a meticulously organized, minimalist person...
but right now she's buried underneath loads of clutter.

And not very good and juggling.

And then the kids
I know in some circles 5 kiddos is just getting started.
But in my circle, it's all I can do to keep up with them...
Keeping then fed and clothed is an added bonus.
When I actually get them to different destinations on time, it's a hallelujah moment.

Juggling gets a bit more comical when all 5 personalities come shining through...

like when we sign up 3 kids for ski lessons,
and my 5 year old (who really is amazonian-like in largeness) decides to turn into a spaghetti noodle, slipping through my arms multiple times as he whines 'I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go...' about 5 minutes after I had explained to the instructor that he was the best one out of the 3...

Or when I'm dragging all 5 kiddos out of bed to make it across town to 7 AM violin lessons.
Really?!  Where was my brain when that scheduling idea came through my juggling arms.
(Is it bad that I almost started crying with joy when the teacher cancelled all lessons this week??)


Then there's my book...
I know I know, I've talked about it so much, you're sick of hearing about it.
Each day as the sands of time slip through my fingers, I vow to plow through the last bits of it when the kids go down.
and then something happens when the kids go down...
My brain suddenly melts into mush,
My Body suddenly reminds me how much I have tormented it at the gym,
And I generally turn into a zombie, not really able to juggle anything else besides the TV remote.

Or the invention...
Yea, that's still in the juggling mix right now also.
Although I'm barely hanging on to that one by my fingernails...
Plugging away... at about a snails pace on that one.

Just enough to keep it in the juggling arena... and on my guilty conscience.

Not to even mention the additives, like friendships and relationships, calling stewardships... and all other types of -ships.

Those, well, have pretty much been getting all mangled in the juggle.

Sorry if you are one of those and have been feeling a bit - neglected- lately.  It's not that I don't think about you and want to revive the -ships...
Right now I just plain don't have enough arms to keep everything afloat.

And I think we have established the fact that I don't really know how to juggle.

So, please forgive me as I set down the juggling pins and just hibernate for a while and dig out of the avalanche of 'stuff' that has suddenly collapsed all around me.

... and maybe sign up for some juggling lessons

My kitchen counter...

pretty much describes my life right now...
everything kind of crazy
mixed up
disorderly
and all meshed together
a bunch of things, all having relevance and a place to be,
but nothing actually in it's place, and creating general
havoc in life.

And so goes my life lately...
everything kind of crazy
mixed up
disorderly
and all meshed together
I have a bunch of things on my plate, and everything that I have chosen to include in my life right now has direct relevance,
but I can't seem to find a specific place in time to accomplish everything I would like in an orderly manner,
and it's creating general havoc in my world.
Crazy.
... and I only seem to be moving at half speed to get it all in order.


It could be that I am still trying to re-enter real life after living in our car throughout the whole holiday season

and criss crossing the country to surprise various relatives

and having not one,

but two Christmases :)

 (at least a few of us got in some naps along the way...)

 and teaching not 2,

but four kiddos how to ski

(... which could not have been even half accomplished without the HUGE help of the Fisher Clan...  Again, THANK YOU so much for giving up your ski days to help our kiddos
climb out of tree banks,
stop tormenting each other on the lift,
re-snapping their ski boots after each fall
picking up the face-planted bodies
and generally taking on the monumental task of introducing a bunch of newbies to the ski hill!)



Having a ton of fun on the sledding hill

 
(and bribing Joshy into leaving early with me, even after his much protesting "I JUST WANT TO GO SLEDDING!")

 and then spending way...

way...

 WAY too many hours in the car on the way home...

Don't get me wrong, the trip was amazing - and SO worth it!!

I'm just having a few re-entry issues...

 at least that's what I'm blaming it on this week.

or maybe I can eek that excuse out for the rest of the month...

We have never been accused...

... of doing things the easy way.

And Today was no exception.
Well, let's back up a bit first:
-- We have been in the house since April
-- With a 3 car driveway, we have said probably every month, "we should really get a snow blower before winter"
-- After our first storm last week and shoveling aforementioned driveway, again statement of, "ya know, we should really get a snow blower"

Fast forward to today:
-- Blizzard warning turns into a full fledged blizzard
-- we decide it's a great day for making some deliveries
-- only get stuck twice - one of those in front of our own house trying to get back into our (already shoveled twice and now showing no signs of shoveling) driveway

-- dig out, get the car in to have hubby say he is going to go finish up some more errands
-- me ask if he can just stay and do the errands on Monday (this statement did come back to haunt him)
-- me offer to help take the seats out of the van so he can get a snowblower (hint hint ;)  ).
-- hubby still unsure that we need one, says he's going to take the smaller car
-- me say probably not such a good idea, it's lower than the van and can get stuck easier

-- a few minutes later I look out the window to see hubby... in his car... right by our driveway... stuck

-- walk out to shovel out again and say, "the thing I want more than anything in the world for our anniversary is a snow blower"
-- we get the car unstuck and he's on his way
-- get a call a while later and hear, "I think I should have brought the van, this car is too low and gets stuck easy..."
-- starts getting dark - learned that all snowplows for the county have been called off due to the wind and blizzard
-- get another call:  hubby stuck at the base of hill
     (side note:  our house is at the top of quite a big hill - 2 ways to get here - both have quite a steep incline... so I guess you could say it really is "uphill both ways"... )
--- the good news is that he has a snowblower!
--- bad news - there is no way that the truck he got from home depot to bring it home is going to make it up the hill.
--- he tries the other hill.  Nothing.
--- we deliberate and decide to have me walk down the hill, walk the snow blower home while he takes the truck back to get his car.

--- tell kids I'm heading down the hill and will be right back.
--- walking down hill and into the wind and freezing snow gives me a whole new respect for the pioneers.
--- get to the truck to have both of us realize there is no way either one of us can lug the 100+ pound snow blower up the hill.  load it back in the truck, Jerry heads back to home depot.
--- I walk back up hill to home, only to find that within the time frame I stepped out, Joshy has clogged the toilet and water has flooded the bathroom, hallway, and halfway into the kitchen.  (seriously??!  Enough with the water issues already!!!)
--- clean up water (and kind of sort of lose it with the kids, who all just stood there watching the water getting spread farther and farther without putting down a single towel), get another call...
--- hubby tried a different plan (other than the one discussed about parking at gas station at bottom of hill and walking up, because the car wouldn't make it over the drifts, which now reached about knee height in the middle of the road)... and was stuck half way up hill.
--- after trying for quite a while, finally unloaded the groceries he had in the car, and walked the rest of the way - kids all bundled up and run out to meet him and help carry bags.
--- we all head back to car (yes, even 3 yo and baby are bundled up.
--- all kids in stuck car, us trying to shovel, push, rock and move car any which way.
--- sweet soul with snowblower comes and blows us a tire path up rest of the hill - we make it to the entrance of cul de sac.
--- get stuck.  again.
--- shovel.  again. thinking, 'wow, this would go so much faster with a snow blower... which we now own... that at one point in time was oh so close to our house... but is now sitting back at the store...'
--- another sweet neighbor takes pity and comes out with another shovel in hand to help dig path through the road and into driveway... then helps us push and shove and maneuver the car sliding and slipping
--- finally getting it into our driveway and garage
--- backwards and crooked
---  but in.

Nope - never accused of the simple, logical way of doing things.


...P.S. as I got in, defrosted, and opened the mail, this picture pours out of one of the envelopes...


Yep, true story.  Irony at it's best.  (Doncha just miss Minnesota like crazy, Marissa??!)

There is a special spot in Heaven...

... just waiting for me if I can get through this day and not inflict bodily harm on my child...
...  who asked if he could watch more TV (after watching far more than he should have already, mind you...)
... and was told, "No, too much TV will turn your brain to mush"... (a comment that once had Sarah in a fit, asking me every 3 minutes if her brain was getting mushy yet...)
... so went to entertain himself while mom experimented with a soup that she is supposed to take to a leadership training meeting on Saturday
... and somehow got upstairs without mom knowing (where baby was napping), and effectively turned the upstairs bathroom into his own personal splash park
... which gushed through the living room ceiling speakers and fell steadily onto the floor (which mom thought was just him washing his hands in the downstairs bathroom, so didn't think a whole lot about it while in the middle of attempting a roue for the soup, and without checking, simply hollered, "okay, Joshy, that's enough, you can turn the water off now"... only to hear his little voice a bit too far away to be in the next room...)
... and effectively formed a wading pool on the living room floor, and also into the bathroom
... which leaked through the fire alarm into the basement
... and could only be classified as Rochester's finest 3 story waterfall...
... and then said child went in to 'comfort' now awake and screaming baby sister
... with a balloon (you know, the type that if a baby pops and swallows will effectively cut of all air circulation, making even mouth to mouth resuscitation impossible...)
... while mom ran around like a crazy person trying to figure out which 'fall' to dam first
... and telling said mom ever so proudly, "I did that!!" as he squishes through the wet carpet leading out of the bathroom.
... then strips down, grabs a sprite can, and when mom (not quite so gently) yells his name, jumps and drops said can, which then pops open, spraying sugary liquid all over the kitchen floor.

... yep, a special spot in Heaven

Has My name on it.

In Gold.

Back Then...

Ya know, back in the Olden Days...
... like when I was on my mission
... a whopping 16 years ago...

I have now reached the age of 'stone age' living in my child's eyes.
Here was the line pulled from our dinner conversation last night as we were telling mission stories to the kids...
Seth, "Mom, back then, there was no electricity, right?!"
Me:  Completely dumbfounded as I turn to my hubby, who is about to fall off his chair from laughter...
"I just got 'Back Then-ed'!!!"
Hubby:  Still rolling with laughter... until I remind him that his back then was even backer-thenner then my back then!

... and I was instantly transformed to a moment in time from my childhood, when upon my mom telling me about some things from her childhood, I asked, "Mom, back in the olden days, did you feel bad that you were living in the olden days?"

 I have now officially eaten my words.
... and they taste... well... pretty old.

This weeks calgon moment brought to you by...

... shirts, which were (unsuccessfully) flushed down the toilet (by a certain unnamed recently turned 3 year old...)
... plunger which (unsuccessfully) tried to get shirt to go down the toilet (manned by a certain unnamed recently turned 3 year old...)
... children, who upon screams of orders from mom to run and gather up towels, return with, "this is all we found, mom..." and hand over a couple of wash cloths
... towels, which (unsuccessfully) tried to mop up overflow from toilet before great gushes of water made its way down the crack in the doorway and seep into basement fire-alarm hole
... basement fire alarm, which upon getting wet, sets off ear-splitting shriek
... rest of house alarms, which like to play follow the leader and also set off ear splitting shrieks
... battery, which even though fire alarm has been yanked out of socked, still continues to power fire alarm-wetted shriek
... baby, who wants in on the action and crawls right into the scene

... and a mom who was frazzled already from a day of:

... up at crack of dawn to willingly submit to torture class (aka, cable class at the gym)
... loading all kids up on Joshy's maiden voyage out of the house in "big boy underwear"
... get to the gym, have joshy go potty (for which he gets buck naked. every time.)
... prepare for nutrition consult with someone who wants a 2 week menu of a diet that fits the following parameters:
 -- no white flour
 -- no sugar of any kind
 -- no sweets or junk food of any kind
    (the first and last I can handle, but absolutely no sugar??!  You try to find some recipes to meet that criteria for 2 weeks!)
... sit through 1/2 hour consult, which stretches into 1 hr and 15 minute consult
... return to kids gym and find that Joshy has again missed the potty mark
... reload clothes
... grab kids and run to friends for peach canning party (sorry we were late, Sarah!)
... got to friends house to realize that Joshy had yet again missed the potty mark (what, a whole 5 minutes in the car?!  Now that is some sort of talent!)
...taught friend mom's secret recipe for super yummy canned peaches with extra thick syrup (yes, it entails a LOT of sugar!!  ... and you wonder why I had a hard time finding sugar-less recipes??!)
... forgot to take over some supplies
... run back home, get supplies
... back to friends at 1:55, remember that I have to be across town to visit teach at 2:00.
... load up kids, run across town
... arrive late, stay late for the visit, (probably from spending time corralling all five kids and repeating, no you cannot lock her son out of his own room!) (Kalee, aren't you so excited for next months visit??!)
... staying late for first visit makes us late for the next visit
... spend most of next visit trying to keep Elizabeth from clutching the life out of their sweet dog and talk over her teridactal screams


So, if anybody needs me, I'll be
in the corner
in fetal position
rocking back and forth
mumbling incoherently...

oh... crap!

... is a bad habit I have been trying to break.
I've transitioned myself into word choices such as
oh man!
dangarama!
oh mylanta! (this one I heard Josh repeating in exasperation when baby Elizabeth was trying to un-build his lego creation)
and just plain aaagggg!

... but today,
there simply was no substitute.

you see, we are neck deep into potty training mode around these parts.

... so far we have been hit and miss...
... some good days
... some .. not so good days,
(you see where this is going... those with weaker stomachs are invited to exit the blog now...)

but none have been quite like today...

Mom, "Hey Josh, do you want to wear you big boy underwear today?"
Josh (with all the gusto his two year old body could expound), "YES!!!"
Mom, "So, when you need to go pee, where are you going to go?"
Josh, "In my potty!!"
Mom, "awesome!  When you need to go poop, where are you going to go??"
Josh, "In my potty!!"
Mom, "awesome!"
...and then I proceed to do the 5 minute 'checks'  i.e. "Hey, Joshy, do you need to go potty?"

issue #1 - I walk into the kitchen to find him squatting on the ground, playing with leggos, doing his 'potty grunt'
mom, "Hey, Joshy, do you need to go potty?"
Josh, "jus a minute, mommy, I not done going poopy..."
mom quickly picks him up, and takes to bathroom to finish the job.
Set Joshy on potty, rinse out undies, go put them in laundry room.
Come back to bathroom to find Joshy on the FLOOR in the middle of not one, not two, but THREE available potty choices (two of his training potties are currently in that bathroom)... on the floor, squatting to 'finish the job'
mom, "What are you doing??!"
Pick him up, place back on one of his potties.  Clean up mess #2. walk upstairs to get another pair of undies.  Come back down to find him once again on the FLOOR finishing the job, and had tried to wipe some of it up with tp, which smeared it everywhere, then steps in it and slightly slips...
... at which time I scoop him up, and b-line it to the shower.
... all clean and before getting into big boy undies again, I find him squatting by the chairs on the CARPET.  Pick him up and step in something oddly oozy and wet...
... and take him directly to the diaper station.

yep, some days, no other word will do.

So honey, what did you do all day?...

... oh, you know, the usual -

a little gardening...

(I wish this was chocolate spread all through her mouth... it's not... she got a little 'too' into the gardening and decided to test the tomato plant soil...)
... fed the kids
... packed for the trip...

... yep, pretty much run of the mill day around these parts...

This weeks mommy meltdown moment brought to you by...

Lovely, sweet smelling liquid fabric softener...

... in a trial size

... that Joshy found in my (newly purchased) purse...

... and opened... in my purse...

... and dumped... in my purse...

... all over the contents... in my purse...

... including my cell phone... in my purse...

pretty much the only thing that kept me out of the loony bin is that I had enough foresight a few months ago (remember the 'breaking of the digital camera story??) to purchase a 'tasmanian devilish 2 year old proof' cell phone cover, which also happens to be water (and come to find out, fabric softener) resistant.

... You may now return to your regularly scheduled lives :).

Buried Alive...

... in boxes, that is.

Well, not so much boxes, as box contents...

... compliments of my own personal box-dumper-boys

... especially loved it when they made it to our 'nuts and bolts' box... yep, dumped. right in the middle of the office room. with shag carpet.

My whole zen-like attitude of white space is right now feeling more like a white blizzard, and I'm sucked in the middle, trying desperately to make it to some sort of quiet shelter to just breath.

This house (is great) but is about to do me in. I have in my mind a huge grid of organization for each room. I have yet to have a single room resemble my minds plan. Maybe it's because I spend 1/2 of the day in the car, and the other 1/2 feeding, changing, cleaning, cooking, laundering, and generally helping these little souls to survive to see another day. I swear when I finally have the kiddos down for the night, there is some sort of mommy melt down that occurs, and the only functioning bone in my body is the remote control-finger for the tv.

I truly hate soccer season. Especially when it involves 3 separate kids, on four nights out of the week and most of the day on Saturday. I sat at the games on Saturday literally too exhausted to cheer. I had to reach WAY down into my latent cheerleader genes to get the 'raw raw' to sound genuine, and even with lurching into my reserves, still found myself at times too exhausted to even do a 'go team'...

... or maybe that's because I was dealing with 4 other hungry, tired, and cranky kiddos on the sideline. Yep, nursing one child while grabbing another off the soccer field (who wanted desperately to be with daddy who was coaching/reffing on field), and holding the 'baby-hugger' boy at bay was enough to throw me over the edge.

Mom and dad, once again I am in awe at your patience and cheerleading capabilities. I truly had no idea how tedious and repetitious the hours upon hours that you spend supporting 7 kids through countless sporting events was for you. I get it now. Oh boy, do I get it now. And I am still 2 kids shy of you. Wow. You are amazing!

Anyway, back to my whining...

so I feel like from the moment the eyes open in the morning, (usually open to a small human pulling/tugging/poking somewhere on my face) it is either running to something, or getting back home to reload and run somewhere else.

All the while, I look around my house at the utter chaos that envelops every room. When I do have a moment to tackle a task, it seems like there is suddenly some urgent need with the kiddos to attend to.

Inside of me there is an organized, calm human being just waiting to emerge...

... but right now she is buried alive in constant chaos and nuts and bolts embedded in shaggy carpet.

Conversations...

around our house never cease to amuse me,

touch me,

at times frustrate me,

and at times make me laugh right out loud as I realize the innocence of youth all wrapped into the utter desire to serve and love this human that they call mommy.

Here is an excerpt from this week:

We had taken our van into the shop (yet again...), and got the call that it was ready...

Me, "Okay, boys let's go, it's time to pick up the car."

Ben, (eyes huge)... "pick up the car?!"...

Then starts walking toward the garage, pulling up his sleeves, "that's going to be hard!"

..."do we have to pick it all the way off the ground?"

And just like that, I am suddenly laughing out loud at his literal interpretation

... and humbled at his exact obedience and desire to pitch in and do all he could in the "Picking up of the car" activity.

I love my kids!

White Space...

... is my new mantra for life.

In the past few months, our crazy schedule has really gotten to me.

Throw in a move and now making our crazy schedule plus extra driving time, (since we haven't finished up all of the activities we started on the complete opposite end of town) and I have about gone over the edge a few times. Okay, so I have gone over the edge a few times (just ask my kids, they'll tell you!). At times I really have become the "mean mom miss Hannigan" from Anne (as one of my children ever-so-bluntly puts it when I tend to get a bit "edgy")

... But in my defense, this was one of our days: up and out the door - yes with all FIVE dressed and ready at 6:45 AM to get to 7:00 violin lessons (again, don't ask me where my brain was when I thought that would be a good time to schedule lessons way back when!), during which I got to try to feed a baby, wrangle a 2 year old, and keep a 5 year old quiet for an hour while trying to listen and take notes during the lesson to know what to practice the next week...), to drive back home, reload for 15 min, take off again across town to get the kids to school, then to the gym to teach 2 classes, then home to get Ben changed and get him to preschool, and attend their annual 'family picnic' (read: trying to feed baby again, while wrangling 2 year old and put on my happy face for Ben to show off his school), back home, then back to school (which is now across town) to pick up kiddos, to come back home and start dinner, to then load everyone up again and take Sarah to soccer (AGAIN, clear across town), run to old house to clean, to pick up Sarah, head back home, finish dinner, put kids down, and crash. C'mon - even Polyanna would struggle singing a happy tune at the end of that one, right?!

Part of it is just getting through things, but part of it I have realized is my inability to say "no" to volunteering, or added things at (my supposedly very part time) work. Since I wear two hats at the gym (the aerobics instructing and the dietician), things can get very hairy just in that arena if I'm not careful. And in the past few months, I haven't been very careful.

I had a little epiphany when I was flying home from a quick weekend to attend my parents mission report. As I was holding Elizabeth and reading (not really being able to believe that I could actually travel and READ, instead of trying to man a plethora of children), I came across an article in one of the dietetic journals about a dietitian who lost her job, and then realized how busy she had been and how much she really needed the 'white space' that this job loss had created for her. (as in, not over-filling the 'page' with words - letting the 'white space' highlight the few words on a page...)

The light bulb suddenly popped. (and it wasn't just seat belt light...)

That's it!

White space.

That's what my life has been missing.

That's what my life needs.

That's what the mother of my children need.

Space.

White Space.

Time.

Free time.

To just BE.

To be able to be a mom.

To be able to be a mom IN THE MOMENT.

Not just the taxi driver, nurse, judge and jury, policeman, maid, cook, homework monitor, laundress, crazy, fly-off -the-handle stressed out woman that they have become accustomed to.

I need time to not have anything on the calender, but my children, myself, and some goals.

Time to be able to say "Okay!" instead of "In a minute," "not right now," "Not today," "No, we don't have time," "Hurry, we have to leave now!"

Time.

Not only to be a mom,

And a wife,

But to find Jen again.

Ahhh, white space.

Not blank space (if you know me well, you know I would go completely crazy without something on the agenda)

Just less chaotic space.

This theme has been running around inside my head ever since that plane ride back.

Partly wondering if I could do it

Partly wondering if I really wanted to do it (would clearing out too much business make me go crazy in other ways?!)

Partly wondering if I could really make my lips form together to say the word, "No."

I started by putting on a shirt my dear friend gave me:

ahhh, Sue, you know me too well :).

Then I started practicing: "Nnnnn..." "N..." "Oooooo..." "Nnnnnoooooo" "Nnnnoooo," "Nnnoo," "No."

Wow.

I did it.

"No"

That wasn't so bad!

... now all I had to do was actually say it to someone when asked to do something that I knew would cause me great amounts of grief (and therefore cause my children great amounts of grief).

Could I do it?

A few days later I got our summer schedule for the gym.

When I looked it over, I knew the time had come.

I was on the schedule about 6 times just for aerobics (coming in every day m-th), plus the two nutrition classes (16 week courses) I am currently doing, plus the other 16 week course they want me to start (in spanish...). (All very flattering... but not conducive to my new mantra)

Which meant I would be loading my kiddos in the car for trips to the gym 2 times a day, 3 days a week.

That was the straw.

The back was officially broken.

I knew I had to actually say my new-found vocabulary to someone other than my mirror.

I admit, I balked a bit.

I tried to reason, "well, it wouldn't be too bad, I could probably make it work..."

and then sat at the computer and repeated my mantra:

"White space"

White space does not include a carload of kids heading back and forth to the gym everyday.

So I did it.

I picked up the phone.

I got the answering machine

Phew! I didn't have to actually say my new word to another human... just a machine!

Then I followed it up with an email, just to be sure.

And then the magic happened.

She responded.

And said they could work it out.

My 6 classes suddenly got cut back to two - back to back, on the same day, which meant 4-5 days of mandatory gym time suddenly got cut back to 2 (with the nutrition classes).

And Spanish nutrition class - we will hold off until at least next fall.

And just like that

My summer suddenly transformed from cramped calendar to wide open white space.

I think my heart rate even went down a few notches!

My summer suddenly has become a blank canvas.

My kids get to wake up and play in their pajamas!

Swimming time

Down time

Hang out and read time

Picnic in the backyard time

Get back into studying the scriptures time

Reading the ensign time

Tiring the kids out so I can finally finish my book time!

Family space

Mommy space

Hubby space

Jen space

White space.

My space.

And that is my "deep thought" for the day :).

Mother's Day Musings...

Hubby and I were talking yesterday and he was telling me about a program he had heard on NPR about happiness of people, and the program was stating some statistics about how couples who never had children were happier than those who did have children.

Whoever measured the happiness scale on those studies was WAY off.

WAY, WAY off.

Motherhood is hard

Motherhood is repetitive (don't sit on the baby. I said don't sit on the baby. I SAID DON'T sit on the baby... don't hit him. I said don't hit him. I SAID don't hit him!!... you get the idea)

Motherhood is dirty (how many bodily fluids can a human being possibly be covered in during the course of 24 hours?! Only a mother could answer that without kicking in the gag reflexes... and with a perfectly straight face... and be completely unfazed by the astronomical number).

Motherhood is slow (come to the car. Please come to the car. I said come to the car. COME TO THE CAR RIGHT NOW... ) (Did I mention repetitive?!)

Motherhood is fast (just incase the scream really IS for real this time...)

Motherhood is painful (nursing a newborn infant. Need I say more??!)

Motherhood is squishy (why is it that when you sit down to nurse, 4 other kiddos suddenly want to snuggle with you?!)

Motherhood is tiring, no fatiguing, no exhausting (3 am feedings, 4 am "I'm scared" snugglings, 6 am "Is it morning yet?" breakfastings)

Motherhood is gutwrenching (try holding a 6 month old down for shots, look into her pain-filled-what-are-you-doing-to-me-eyes and not want to cry yourself! Or watching your little ones skip off to school for the first time and try to keep your own tears from falling)

Motherhood is... well... pretty much indescribable.

I don't think I've ever felt so many emotions during the course of a single day. Or a Single Hour. Or even a single minute.

But one thing is at the base of it all: and that is Happiness. Yes. Pure undefiled Joy and Happiness at the thought of seeing my children all around me.

At the end of the day, with all of the ups and downs,

Yes, Motherhood is HAPPINESS

Especially when you can see yourself for a moment through they eyes of your sweet daughter...

and you really like what you see:

Okay, you really have to enlarge this one and look at the blue line...

Yep, I LOVE motherhood.

NPR studies got it wrong.

And that's all I have to say about that.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!

Happiness is...

Having your 'not-so-vocal-about-his-feelings-son' practice his cursive writing by giving you this note:

Happy Pre-Mother's Day to all of you moms out there :)

Your Cell Phone...

Don't leave home without it!

Seriously, Don't. Stop. Turn around. Be late. Just don't leave without it.

The day you actually think, "oh, it's okay, I'll just be a couple of hours at the gym and then come back..." is the day that you will come out from the meeting at the gym...

Load the kiddos in the car...

Thinking you have the (very busy) day planned out to the T...

and find that you have a flat tire...

so you tote all kiddos back into the gym

and try to remember some numbers (that are all stored in your cell phone)

to re-arrange the preschool car pool

and get a ride from fellow instructor home

(on which drive, also find out how un-childproof the car is when Joshy opens the back door enroute...)

to call and join AAA, to then schedule some car help...

only to be told, "Oh, your membership won't show up for 3 days..."

then grab a ride with the re-arranged preschool car pool (Thanks Marissa!!) back to the gym to try to change tire yourself...

only to realize after getting there (and having the rain start)

that you don't have any way to get the lug nuts off...

so you call AAA back, and get a different (more customer friendly) helper, who tells you she can help you (rain clouds suddenly get a silver lining)...

... and 25 minutes later, tells you she can, indeed have someone come out to help you...

... you just have to wait for them to come when they can...

... and when they do come to get enough air to get to the tire place, you are told that they are completely booked and can't get to the car for quite some time...

... so you get to once again re-arrange car pool home from school (Thanks AGAIN Marissa, and Sarah!)...

... all while hubby is out of town...

Yep - The cell phone.

Don't leave home without it.

Consider yourself warned...

Moving is...

... proving to be very difficult with a 5 month old...

... and pretty much IMPOSSIBLE with a 2 3/4 year old.

Well, I take that back, moving wasn't really the issue, I could keep the kiddos corralled in the car while I just stuffed around them... (literally:)

(yes, this is really how we drove over with one load... this picture is our own version of "where's waldo - in our case Ben... can you find him??!)

...but once we got everything here

and I busied myself carting boxes from the garage to the various locations in the house,

Joshua busied himself with finding every door leading to the outside (aka freedom!).

... and with no fence or high bolts/locks/any other child proofing devices on the doors, he was quite successful...

... like the day I tried to put the boys clothes together in their upstairs room, and realized things were a bit too quiet on the main floor....

... I walked down, to find an open door,

... and walked out to find our across the street neighbor's husband walking Josh down his driveway, smiling in a 'trying not to be annoyed' way, and saying (in a trying not to be annoyed-nice voice), "hi, I found him in our van..."

... or the next day when I was carting in boxes from the garage and had a good view of him on his tricycle outside, only to find on one load that said tricycle had been abandoned...

... and after searching around and finally went around to the back of the house to see him on the porch of our back yard neighbor chatting it up. The neighbor said he had been sitting in the kitchen when little joshy showed up at the back door, knocking and smiling ever so sweetly...

... I'm sure the "welcome to the neighborhood" banners are set to go up any minute now...

... along with my mother of the year award :)

... so mom and dad, if you open your door to see a child sized box with air holes punched in it, don't be too surprised...

... don't worry, we can come and pick him up when we come out for the reunion :)

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

... to schedule 5 yo appt. and 4 month old appt. back to back. When I called and they said they had two time slots right by each other, first thing in the morning, I thought, "great! we'll zip in and zip out - no problem, right?" WRONG...

... I didn't count on the extended 5 year appt. guidelines (hearing/vision screening - with a boy who many people outside his 'trusted circle' actually think is mute... yea, try getting this one to say what letters he sees... that nurse earned her paycheck today!)

... I didn't count on big sis getting sick in the wee hours of the morning, missing school, coming with us, and actually throwing up in the Dr. office, right when the Dr. walked in (hey, at least it wasn't the bishops office this time, right??!)

... I didn't count on the Dr. (our FAVORITE pediatrician EVER) telling us that she was moving in two months... out west... to be closer to family... (right at my peak of home-sickness in knowing that my parents are returning to a huge family gathering this week... out west... and we will still be in the middle of tundraland minnesota)

... I didn't count on 2 yo having a major poopy diaper right in the middle of things and screaming such to the entire wing of the clinic as he kept opening the door to go out and get changed

... I didn't count on sick sis slamming her finger in the door right as we were walking out of the house to go to appointment

... I didn't count on 2 yo stomping through mud right before we left, then getting a cup of water in the exam room, spilling it, then stopping his muddy shoes all through it, creating our own personal mud pit in the middle of the exams

... I didn't count on 5 yo falling right into a wooden ledge in the dr's office just before they came back in for the shots, causing both a mouth AND nose bleed at the same time

... I didn't count on shots - well, I knew there would be shots... just didn't count on the fact that 5 yo would be getting FIVE shots, and this same boy who just a few months earlier hardly flinched at his flu vaccine shot started WAILING, FLAILING and GNASHING TEETH the minute he saw the 'shot bucket'. Seriously - have you ever tried to hold down a ravaged 99.9 percentile 5 year old who is bent on NOT getting his shots??!

... I didn't count on the fact that 4 month old would also be getting multiple vaccine shots - right at the time of the poopy diaper/bloody lip/screaming 5 yo episode

... Yep, it seemed like a good idea at the time...

The 70's called...

... and they wanted their disco ball knobs back.

Seriously, they are DISCO BALL KNOBS.

And I have lived with them for 5 years.

Along with a yellow kitchen.

Yes, I said yellow kitchen. With antiquing on the cabinets (that one realtor thought was dirt...).

So of course, 2 months before we leave, I finally get the overwhelming desire to completely repaint the kitchen. (?!)

So, this weekend, I did the deed.

Yep.

Took down the cabinets

Sanded

Repainted

Re KNOBBED

and Rehung

and of course, once the cabinets were done, I had to do the walls.

Add in some super cute photography by an uber-talented and super-creative friend (Thanks, Jolene!!)

... and the look is complete.

I can walk into my kitchen without shuttering

And cook in peace

... for the next two months.

I am convinced...

That the bodies which belong to 5th children are put through a more rigorous pre-spirit filled qualifying test, and must be made of a more durable fabric than the average every-day body.

... the bodies must pass extra tests of being stretched, squeezed, squished, kissed, grabbed, stickied, and just plain used and abused.

I am convinced that the spirits which come to those over-tested bodies are also put through some pre-life qualifications themselves, including extra doses of patience, long-suffering, smiles, and unconditional love.

Otherwise, there is no way that 5th children (or the mother of 5th children) would ever live to see their first birthdays with any sort of sanity in tact.

... and that's all I have to say about that.